When a child is anxious about going back to school
The end of the holidays can be hard for children. How to talk about worries about school, and how to support a child without doing it for them.
The end of August is a time of mixed feelings for many families. There is a new pencil case and a new backpack, but there may also be a stomach ache on Sunday evening, questions like “what if nobody wants to play with me?” and more and more “I don’t want to go”. Feeling uneasy before a change is natural – for children just as for adults. The good news is that a parent can do a great deal to help a child through it.
How children show anxiety
Younger children rarely say outright: “I’m scared.” More often the worry shows in their behaviour and in their body:
- complaints of a stomach ache or a headache, especially in the morning or on Sunday evening
- trouble falling asleep, waking up more often at night
- irritability, tearfulness, outbursts of anger over small things
- recurring questions about what will happen at school
- wanting a parent close by all the time
Physical complaints are always worth checking with a paediatrician. If the doctor finds no other cause, it helps to remember that emotional tension really can hurt – the child is not pretending.
Talking instead of reassuring
When a child is afraid, we instinctively want to calm them: “There’s nothing to be afraid of”, “It’ll be great”. This comes from care, but a child may hear in it that their feelings are wrong. It is better to start by naming what you see: “I can see you are thinking about school and feeling a bit nervous. That makes sense, lots of children feel that way.”
Then it is worth asking what exactly the worry is about. Sometimes it is a new teacher, sometimes the breaks, sometimes the way to school. A specific fear is easier to tame than a general “I’m scared of school”. You can work out together what your child will do if the thing they fear happens. A plan like this often brings more calm than a promise that nothing bad will happen.
Small steps before the first bell
- a week or two before term starts, gradually go back to the school rhythm of sleep and meals
- walk the way to school together and, if you can, take a look at the playground or the building
- meet up with someone from the class before the first day
- agree on a short, predictable goodbye ritual and stick to it – long goodbyes usually make the worry stronger
- after school, ask not only about what was hard but also about one good thing from the day
It also matters what to avoid. If a child can stay at home every time they are afraid, the fear shrinks for a moment but grows in the long run. Support means being close by while your child does the hard thing, not doing it for them.
When to look for help
If the worry does not ease after a few weeks of school, your child regularly refuses to leave the house, or the anxiety spreads to many situations, it is worth talking to a specialist. With children I use cognitive behavioural techniques suited to their age, and parents are important allies in this work.
If you are worried about your child, book a free 30-minute consultation. You tell me what you have noticed, and I will suggest what kind of support might help.