Arguments that solve nothing
Does the same argument come back every few weeks, only in a different disguise? What happens in a couple during a row, and how to talk so that you hear each other.
Many couples I work with say something similar: “We keep arguing about the same thing.” One time it is the dishes, another time the in-laws, another time who picked the children up last. The subject changes, but the course is familiar: the tension rises, the same sentences are said, someone slams a door, and then there are two days of silent truce. Nothing gets resolved, and both of you feel more and more alone.
Conflict in a relationship is not a bad thing. Two people have different needs, habits and ideas about life, so disagreements are bound to happen. What matters is not whether you argue, but how you do it and what is left afterwards.
A row about the dishes is rarely about the dishes
In couples therapy we look at what lies beneath the surface. Behind “you didn’t take the rubbish out again” there may be the thought “you don’t take me into account” and a sense of being alone. Behind the other person’s silence there may be the thought “whatever I do, it will be wrong” and a wish to escape criticism. Each of you reacts to what you read into the words, not only to what was actually said.
This is how a vicious circle forms: the harder one person pushes, the more the other withdraws, and the more the other withdraws, the harder the first one pushes. Both have good reasons, but together they keep up a pattern that neither of them wants.
How to talk so that you hear each other
- speak about yourself, not about your partner: “I miss you when we both spend the evening on our phones” instead of “you are always on your phone”
- stick to one issue – bringing up old grievances makes the conversation lose its way
- before you answer, repeat in your own words what you heard, and ask whether you have understood it right
- instead of “always” and “never”, describe a specific situation
- end the conversation with a small, concrete agreement you can check on in a week
A pause is not running away
When emotions run too high, the conversation stops serving understanding. Your heart beats faster, your thinking narrows, and it is hard to hear anything but attack. At such a moment it is worth taking a break – but an agreed one. One sentence is enough: “I am too wound up to talk well right now. Let’s come back to this in half an hour.” What matters is that you really do come back to it. The break gives time to cool down, and coming back shows that the matter is important to both of you.
Couples therapy
Sometimes the pattern is so set that it is hard to break on your own, even with the best intentions. In couples therapy we create a space in which both people can say what matters to them and be heard. We learn to recognise the moments when a conversation starts to go wrong, and we practise ways of stopping it. I am not looking for someone to blame – I look at what happens between you.
If you would like to look at your arguments together, book a free 30-minute consultation. You tell me what is going on, and I will explain what our work together might look like.